Friday, May 29, 2009

So, I have taken a new outlook on life. I want to live positive. To clarify, I don't necessarily want to live "happy" because I know I won't. I just want to have a positive outlook on everything I do. I've been pretty happy for the past week or so which is why I haven't written. I still have random bouts of loneliness and pain, but they're getting smaller and farther apart. I have my friends and family that love me, and I think they are helping me a lot....not that they're even purposefully meaning to. Just having them around cheers me up.

My one problem right now is knowing that you are suffering. For once, I am starting to feel better and now you are upset. I feel as if we have traded places. The only thing is, I know exactly how it feels to be where you are, and let me tell you, it fucking sucks. I know in time you will be feeling better, but I can't stand to see you hurting. Every time I think about you I hurt, I probably always will. I mean, hell, I have a daily reminder etched into my skin.

I don't want you to think I'm being in the slightest sympathetic to you, cause I'm not. I think we both have immense hate for each other right now. Especially because of what you did to me after that long conversation we had. Don't tell me that it wasn't on purpose. I don't see why you still have the urge to lie to me after all you have preached about honesty. I held up my end, but I don't expect anything from yours. All I want right now is for you to be back to your usual self...which isn't very usual at all. I'm not sure if the reason you are just now starting to get really upset is because I'm finally not so upset or maybe some other reason I'm completely unaware of. I just don't like it...please be happy.

Pretty please.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Beyond Repair

I can't say that I didn't like it, love it even. I can't help feeling that if I stood on that hill this instant I wouldn't feel the cold. I'm dead inside. It wasn't your fault; you didn't mean to kill me. If anything I brought it upon myself. I am finally hopeless; I found the rock bottom. At least down here I can go no lower. My soul is lost at the bottom of this dark, murky place I know call home. I've given up. There's no hope between my dreams.
You have me suicidal...and I won't promise I will change.
I won't.
I won't.
I won't.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Heart Has Been Draining Into the Sea

"Sometimes you just feel
everything and nothing all at once.

Sometimes you'll find yourself smiling,
While missing something at the same time.
At times you can absolutely love a person,
All the while wanting to hate them."

"Why do I feel happy & sad all at once? Why do I still love the person that hurt me & want him back all the time?"

My head tells me "Get over it; you should be used to this by now...used to being alone."

My heart tells me "You'll never get over him; he's the only one for you."

I tell myself "Just cover it all up with that smile, maybe you'll start to feel better in a while."

When my head, heart, and self all tell me the same thing I believe I will finally find peace within myself.

It's a sad, sad thing to say but I lie to myself more than to anyone else. I think my current goal is to try and be more in touch with my feelings; my true feelings that is. Then maybe I'll stop feeling so confused, so alone, and so lost. Or it could just confirm my feelings and make me feel even worse. Worth a try though, because this...this just isn't working.