Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm Ok Now, I Promise

So, once again I have been neglecting my blog. Partly because I have no computer and very little alone time with a computer in general, partly because it's summer and I've been out with friends, but partly, and most importantly so, because I'm feeling much better.

I'm soo happy that we talked everything out. There is probably still hurt feelings harbored inside both of our souls and I am almost certain that that will never change, but I believe that you and I have finally found peace between us. Lately, I've thought of texting you just a simple "hello, how have you been?" now that we can openly talk, but I don't. I think there are a few reasons. If I do, I don't have much to say honestly. I also don't want things to turn bad between us again by a simple text message being read in the wrong context. And I really am trying to take your advice into consideration. That note that you left me on my table, much of it which was written out of anger on your part, and some of it which was untrue because you didn't have the full story at the time, but, all in all, there were some great words of wisdom in there. I remember how hard it was to hear you telling me how I'd find someone else, how I'd fall in love again, how I'd move on. I wouldn't fathom it at the time. Now that I'm finally beginning to try to at least fathom the idea of this, I find myself in fear. As someone once told me, fear is the absence of love. I want love in my life again so I must try to eliminate my fears.

Living with you was an enlightening experience and definitely one of the greatest chapters of my life. I learned so much about companionship, love, and true closeness with another person. I also learned of the need for trust, loyalty, and compassion. Now, what I need to do, is take these learned experiences and use them so that I don't make mistakes this time. I find myself instead fearing that I will never feel that close with another again. I think to myself what we had was unprecedented and I should just settle for less.

You have to decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

I have. I won't settle for less. I want it. I will rid mysef of my fears. I will find unity with another, and this time, for you and for myself, I will do it right.

I have so much to learn this summer and I am certain I will. I've already started to actually. You were my lesson in love, but now comes the lesson of life. It is somewhat daunting in certain aspects, but I'm ready to take it head-on. To live would be an awfully great adventure.

My adventure starts now.

This adventure of life also comes with an end...an end to this blog, an end to depression, an end to hurt. Maybe if I feel the need to come back to this or my other blog I will. I hope and believe I won't. My new blog will have a much more positive tone. Maybe less appealing to those reading it, but altogether for me, a fresh, new start.

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you see the whole world.

Bye bye blog, hello life.