Friday, July 10, 2009

New Blog

If you want to check it out I'll be posting soon.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'm Ok Now, I Promise

So, once again I have been neglecting my blog. Partly because I have no computer and very little alone time with a computer in general, partly because it's summer and I've been out with friends, but partly, and most importantly so, because I'm feeling much better.

I'm soo happy that we talked everything out. There is probably still hurt feelings harbored inside both of our souls and I am almost certain that that will never change, but I believe that you and I have finally found peace between us. Lately, I've thought of texting you just a simple "hello, how have you been?" now that we can openly talk, but I don't. I think there are a few reasons. If I do, I don't have much to say honestly. I also don't want things to turn bad between us again by a simple text message being read in the wrong context. And I really am trying to take your advice into consideration. That note that you left me on my table, much of it which was written out of anger on your part, and some of it which was untrue because you didn't have the full story at the time, but, all in all, there were some great words of wisdom in there. I remember how hard it was to hear you telling me how I'd find someone else, how I'd fall in love again, how I'd move on. I wouldn't fathom it at the time. Now that I'm finally beginning to try to at least fathom the idea of this, I find myself in fear. As someone once told me, fear is the absence of love. I want love in my life again so I must try to eliminate my fears.

Living with you was an enlightening experience and definitely one of the greatest chapters of my life. I learned so much about companionship, love, and true closeness with another person. I also learned of the need for trust, loyalty, and compassion. Now, what I need to do, is take these learned experiences and use them so that I don't make mistakes this time. I find myself instead fearing that I will never feel that close with another again. I think to myself what we had was unprecedented and I should just settle for less.

You have to decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

I have. I won't settle for less. I want it. I will rid mysef of my fears. I will find unity with another, and this time, for you and for myself, I will do it right.

I have so much to learn this summer and I am certain I will. I've already started to actually. You were my lesson in love, but now comes the lesson of life. It is somewhat daunting in certain aspects, but I'm ready to take it head-on. To live would be an awfully great adventure.

My adventure starts now.

This adventure of life also comes with an end to this blog, an end to depression, an end to hurt. Maybe if I feel the need to come back to this or my other blog I will. I hope and believe I won't. My new blog will have a much more positive tone. Maybe less appealing to those reading it, but altogether for me, a fresh, new start.

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you see the whole world.

Bye bye blog, hello life.

Friday, May 29, 2009

So, I have taken a new outlook on life. I want to live positive. To clarify, I don't necessarily want to live "happy" because I know I won't. I just want to have a positive outlook on everything I do. I've been pretty happy for the past week or so which is why I haven't written. I still have random bouts of loneliness and pain, but they're getting smaller and farther apart. I have my friends and family that love me, and I think they are helping me a lot....not that they're even purposefully meaning to. Just having them around cheers me up.

My one problem right now is knowing that you are suffering. For once, I am starting to feel better and now you are upset. I feel as if we have traded places. The only thing is, I know exactly how it feels to be where you are, and let me tell you, it fucking sucks. I know in time you will be feeling better, but I can't stand to see you hurting. Every time I think about you I hurt, I probably always will. I mean, hell, I have a daily reminder etched into my skin.

I don't want you to think I'm being in the slightest sympathetic to you, cause I'm not. I think we both have immense hate for each other right now. Especially because of what you did to me after that long conversation we had. Don't tell me that it wasn't on purpose. I don't see why you still have the urge to lie to me after all you have preached about honesty. I held up my end, but I don't expect anything from yours. All I want right now is for you to be back to your usual self...which isn't very usual at all. I'm not sure if the reason you are just now starting to get really upset is because I'm finally not so upset or maybe some other reason I'm completely unaware of. I just don't like it...please be happy.

Pretty please.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Beyond Repair

I can't say that I didn't like it, love it even. I can't help feeling that if I stood on that hill this instant I wouldn't feel the cold. I'm dead inside. It wasn't your fault; you didn't mean to kill me. If anything I brought it upon myself. I am finally hopeless; I found the rock bottom. At least down here I can go no lower. My soul is lost at the bottom of this dark, murky place I know call home. I've given up. There's no hope between my dreams.
You have me suicidal...and I won't promise I will change.
I won't.
I won't.
I won't.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Heart Has Been Draining Into the Sea

"Sometimes you just feel
everything and nothing all at once.

Sometimes you'll find yourself smiling,
While missing something at the same time.
At times you can absolutely love a person,
All the while wanting to hate them."

"Why do I feel happy & sad all at once? Why do I still love the person that hurt me & want him back all the time?"

My head tells me "Get over it; you should be used to this by now...used to being alone."

My heart tells me "You'll never get over him; he's the only one for you."

I tell myself "Just cover it all up with that smile, maybe you'll start to feel better in a while."

When my head, heart, and self all tell me the same thing I believe I will finally find peace within myself.

It's a sad, sad thing to say but I lie to myself more than to anyone else. I think my current goal is to try and be more in touch with my feelings; my true feelings that is. Then maybe I'll stop feeling so confused, so alone, and so lost. Or it could just confirm my feelings and make me feel even worse. Worth a try though, because this...this just isn't working.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

More Than Words

I think songs are related to so easily by people because songs tell the words that we, ourselves, are afraid to speak.

If people were to pay attention, I mean really focus hard, to the songs that those around them listen to, especially when they're all alone, they could learn a lot. A lot they may not wish to know; they may be better off not knowing at all perhaps. Who knows. I just know that I'd be one of those that would want to know, would want to know it all.

I could go on to name the many songs that I find relate so well to me, to how I feel. I could probably tell my whole life story through songs, actually. I just feel that no one would care to listen. I seem to be feeling that way a lot lately, but honestly...who really does care?

I'm learning to get used to being hurt.
I'm learning to get used to being alone.
I'm learning to get used to seeing the person I love so much and to pretend as if they are no one,
as if we didn't have a past,
as if we barely even know each other at all.
I still have a long way to go.

I still have a lot to learn.

I still have a lot of healing to do.

As I said, I'm learning...

I don't know if I ever will learn.

I don't know if I ever will heal.

I don't know if I ever will stop hurting.

But honestly...

I don't know if I want to.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

My Emails Stalk Me, I Swear.

Bobbi, is it time to move on?

Dear Bobbi, Still clinging to a relationship that's over? Sometimes it seems you can't let go of someone, no matter how hard you try. Find out what he's really thinking -- and if you should wait for him or move on.

I thought about posting one of these before about something completely different, but which was also strikingly accurate. They always are, which is why I can't seem to send them to my spam box.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby...

Loneliness is such a sad affair,
What to say to make you come again,
Come back to me again,
I miss you,
I love you,
I've done my part,
and now it's up to you.
Where are you?
I'm so lost without you.